Hello! Welcome to my ramble...
most recent entries at bottom

umm may 15th.
so this is the day, the day i started it all, well it's just today. today for the first time in my life(i think), i am gonna see the sun rise. i've heard it rise before tho, just never seen it rise. why is it that i always feel the need to stay up even if i have to hold my eyelids apart with my fingers and drink so much cafene that i think i will throw it back up, there is just something about the night. now i'm listening, i think it may be the silence, my house is noisey almost all day from siblings or mainly just one, and school is noisy from the insane crowds of young ppl trying to all speak louder than the other. so how many people actually get time in they're day, or night, when it is quiet enough to hear themselves think. i seem to have answered my own question simply by talking to myself. ah and now i feel bad, i seem to drag others into staying up with me for the company and at this time of night or morning, whatever u prefer to call it, i'm only fit for having conversation with myself. if one day you happen to be the person i have sucked into the pit with me, get out, and if that fails, come to sunrise with me, and if u can't do that, simply please make me go to bed. And this brings me now to the not so interesting point of insomnia, first of all i don't know how it's possible, except out of extreme fear, which has happened to me. i seem to have a little big problem with the dark, wait what am i saying, i have a probalem with what is lurking there. back to the point, i want to know, if one keeps eating caffene and energy pills, is it possible to sustain yourself? or wud you eventually just drop to a jumble of sleepy person on the ground where ever you may be... well i thik that means i need to sleep or find some of those energy pills.
oh my, not going to sleep yet i guess. so i happen to have 2 cats, (both of them super-heros)today i was completely wasting my time as i seem to do ever so often, epecially when i really need ot get something done. anyways,i was feeding them large quantities of catnip, and one of them said to me(gurgi, in fat english accent) "my dear fellow, i do believe you are giving us drugs", that was quite true, i have always been plaigued with the thought in the back of my head, why on earth can cats be allowed to have drungs and humans b punished forit? cats have sharp claws and teeth and are definately not afraid to use them, even more so while high.but who thought of declawing them in the first place? clearly someone who gave them too much catnip. actually i'd rather not know, me and my cat-possy might retaliate. plus learn how to spell. Willie, the other cat isn't much of a public speaker, i think he may be embarassed by his english accent, he is still in his prime and his accent must seem odd to the lady cats, but he once again reminds me that we had his little boys removed in a procedure we like to call NEUTERING, so he never gets past 2nd base anyways. So i tell him the same thing i tell everyone who asks me a question on the subject; what a girl likes in a guy is not just how he looks, otherwise we'd only need pictures, but we want someone who cares. someone i can talk to, and who wont care if i see them wearing a dress. or in william's case, without genitals. ah but cats are amazing, they provide company by sitting on you all the day wherever you are, and in some cases provide insiteful comments into my ramblings.
note:porqu� es que alguna gente tiene tal problema con edad, es tiempo justo. lo inventamos.

May 15th-during daytime, as supposed to 4 am.
well, it's now at least 15 hours after whatever that was. today is a thursday, the day i head on over to my cello lesson after school. it was slightly raining, but i had my music, and then i sing along really loud and ppl think i'm crazy cuz they usually can't see my headphones under my hair. and on the way back i stopped off at shoppers, my good friend shrilanky is now working there(she's really just an aquaintance, and that's not her real name, i just call her that). anyways, i wanted to try that tinting shampoo stuff, so i got like 3 packages of it. plus some watermelon chap stick(watermelon all the way yes!!!). then on the way out i happened to walk by a guy sitting on the street, he was a bum, but i call him a guy, cuz it occurred to me that he really seemed like your average slightly unclean person. i just walked by. i always do. but this time something punched me in the face, i think it was my other good friend; guilt. i can't say i've ever been forced to do something by my concience b4. and it's not even like it was a little girl or some dissabled person. but point is i got about i block in the direction of home, then went back, gave him my tooney, and then continued on my way in the wrong direction. of course i did realise eventually, but i didn't wanna walk by him for a 3rd time, so i took a detour. home now.

Ah May 23, 2003.
Well it's a friday, and i find myself at home and with nothing to do but sit and write about how i ended up here. not that it's all that exciting. well lately gurgi has been feeling a bit confused and discouraged, i figured that some excercise would do the thing some good, so gurgi avoided talking to anyone all day, even me, and then at 7:15 just like every friday, left for mci. there was a dance tonight but i wasn't aware my activity was cancelled thanks to a misinforming friend or soemthing. but once there, it was discovered with some embarassment that it was cancelled, at which point gurgi left. arriving home at about 8:15, it was discovered that they had forgotten to pick up the friend elfman. mother was quite angry and acted as if we had done something cruel and unjust, on purpose, so after destroying our conciences and any sense of happiness left in my brain, she left to pick her up. y she was upset i wud never know. and now i find myslef sitting here very demoralized and alone, i don't wanna turn out like mrs cubiar, a 80(or some other large number)yr old single(and virgen) living with my mother and quilting for a good time. yes, will go try to make use of myself.
Same evening, about 30 minutes later.
well i just got back from my 7 minute fiasco.
i called up my superfriend srah, and was told samothy was gonna b at her house, i was invited over too. so i wandered over(about 5 houses away from my castle) and was met at the door. srah seemed to be quite upset by her mutti who was equally upset at srah. sam was apparently not to come over, but he was already on his way. now srah and i weren't about to leave him out in the rain on the street, so when her mutti, who was being slightly very unreasonable blinked, we wisked out the back door and ran up the street to where samual was. now you didn't hear this from me, but srah likes samothy, and i hear samothy liked srah. shhh. maybe something magical will come of it, but who knows. matters of the heart are ones that you can never be certain of, and finding someone who feels that same way for you can be very very tricky at times(at all times). but everyone has there time. or so i surely hope..well continueing the story, we met smathy as he will now be named, and we walked over to my haunted castle where now there was a strange van in the driveway, this strange van happened to belong to srah's mutti. so the mutti was now at my house, and took srah home to be "talked to". srah, i figure, is in big trouble, but some things you just can't help, i know she wud do it again for smathy tho, if he reads this, appreciate was ur given. and on the bright side, at least now smathy and srah's mutti have now met, so he is no longer a "strange boy" perhaps things in future will work out better. ah. sweet sweet lovin'

might i add it is raining. i heard the rain outside the door and was frightened until i realised what it was, my first thought was that it was one of my catters scratching at the door, but then i can see them both inside, so what is it? i always have the fear that i will lean against that glass door to see what it is, then have a face jump out at me, which with my low courage, i think would damage my heart in some horrible way. but it was rain, landing on my deck, i think there are also bits of maple buds falling, because when you look out in the morning out deck apears to have grown fuzz, in green leafy form.

Saturday the last day of may.2003
woke up this morning dazed and confused and in a ditch with a possum. not really. but i was dazed. i woke up, realized i was in my own bed and immediately wanted to still b asleep. so i went back into my pillow. woke up around 11. this time with a throbbing headache that comes from sleeping too long. i had been forced to bed early the night before and was now expected to get up and begin studying. that combined with several things made being concious this morning one of the worst feelings ever. if i could i wud just fly away and never come back ever. but no, i got up and ambled across my stye of a room, over chairs and clothes and bags and music and cds and cups, and eventualy reached the door. not even the happy bright orange thingy pinned to it raised my spirits much. it's not that i was peticularily angry or sad or anything in peticular. i just didn't want to face the world. i rolled down the stairs and made it to the kitchen where i was met by an exuberant father. how is he so energetic? he hugged me and i pushed away to find food. but at some point in time i must remember to let him know how much hugs brighten me even if i pretend to hate them. but shhh, don't tell him. I called up elfman realising i needed a slightly very large note from her on trig ratios. she and christ dropped off jams and then took me back with them. that was the most boring note i have ever had to take, except maybe the one in history class on the "laurier era". suddenly, as you all who live in toronto area may have noticed, it started raining buckets of water. i just finished the note and me and elfman needed some stress relief, so we stripped down to shorts and t-shirts and bare feet, and left the house.
Outside was like a completely different world than the night before, seemed like a ghost town, what is so bad about alittle rain? we ran down the street, at first our feet stung on the rough ashfault but soon we were onto the smoother new stuff, also our feet were getting numb in the chilly inch of water on the ground we were running on. we reached montgomery rd. and ran for the parkinglot. the puddles there were large and supa fun. we kicked water around and ran by the boring people sheltering themselves from the rain under an overhang by memorial. we were free from the dry, and shoes. despite several dissaproving looks we frolicked under a waterfall coming from the evestrough(can't spell yet again) of memorial. we decided since it was very cold that we shud mosey on back home soon. so singing and kicking we went.once at elfman's house the problem came to mind of how i was to get home if i only had dry pants and sweater. well silly me, that's obvious, commando! weeeeeeee. ahhh. and now i'm back here, studying away seeing as next week i have 6 exams eep, mucho helpo. ah but look how much time i've wasted already, i must be back to To Kill a Mockingbord. misspelled intentionally. goodbyes, and much hugs and hands and sweet sweet lovin'(i b happier now that i have written this all down).

June 3rd 2003
she hides because she don't know nothin', don't know nothin' anymore
She keeps a funny face it's locked and bagged it's just outside the door
well. today. it was an interesting day. first period i got the horrible news of my math mark. but that wasn't sooooo depressing. then i got the news of me history mark. that wasn't quite that harshe. but then i got the news about my science mark. that basically did it. i cud feel my head swelling. i sat down in the hall. i cudn't keep a conversation going for more than a minute without the words suddenly not coming out, like i was dumb(in the literal sense of the word). i had to run away. so i did. but i had to come back for english exam or face yet another bad mark. *oh crap ur so sad? how horrible for you, i know u wanted it, ur just saying that so that we all know. and look at me!!!!* clearly not a good day to try to have a discussion with me. and now you're not here, i'll have to wait another day before i can b happy again.
Could everyone agree that
No one should be left alone
Could everyone agree that
They should not be left alone
And I feel like a newborn
25.15.21.1.18.5.13.9.14.4.12.5.19.19.1.14.9.13.1.12.19.4.18.9.22.5.14.2.25.25.15.21.18.16.
8.25.19.9.3.1.12.4.5.19.9.18.5.19.12.5.20.13.5.19.21.3.3.21.13.2.20.15.19.21.6.6.14.3.1.20.9.15.14.arg
.

July 6th 2003~
Why hello again my not so avid reader. i am back, i must say june was one of the most hectick(that is spelled wrong i think, but i'm not sure how to spell it right) months of my life. on top of about 7 exams if you don't count theory because it is in class, things were tense around my house, i guess i was trying to break out. i felt that the way my parents were behaving was completely irrational. surviving that month made me realise i had no idea why it was that i felt that way. i am thinking clearer without school to clog my mind and worry me. now there is only one main thing that i am aguing with them about, and this time i know i am right. ok, here is the situation. for some reason, probably due to me growing up with 2 older nerdlinger brothers, i turned out not to be your tipical girl; i prefer gaming and movies and ddr over chick flicks and gossip and nails. and it seems i have been unable to find somebody of my gender that i can actually do these things with, so i guess it's handy that there are plenty of guys who love it. and so i have what seems like 2 seperate worlds, one where i can do those things and one where i do basically whatever the majority of people my age are doing.(interlude while my brother dances in and gives his version of "wild wild west" with plenty of fake scratching ie. "wicka wicka"s). so tonight i wanted to go over to scock's house(clearly not his real name). there were about 3 other guys and they brought the movie i said i raelly wanted to see. but when i went to inform my parents i had a very upsetting response. apparently it looks bad if i hang out with a bunch of guys with no other girls! i'm frustrated. clearly they aren't that sexist, they know that these people are my friends. i argued all night with their sexist views. and won. but now it's 11 and clearly too late for me to go over, so i had to cancel yet again(i seem to do it frequently to my guy friends). point is, i have my morals, and it was richface and mummyka(my parents but with cooler names)who taught me them. if i feel a certain way it is probably because they influenced me that way when i was little. so when i know something they are doing is wrong, now i know that they know it too, i just need to talk about it. never let my anger take the upper hand because i always end up loosing that way.
It seems to me that summer fixes all problems, it gives confidence and a feeling of freedom. i made some choices and now it seems i have freed myself from all responsability and i can run wild and have fun while it last, i can be a little freaky kid again.
About a week ago my mother rented me an electric bass, something i have been wanting very badly for quite a while, and she felt that now that exams(those devils) are over i have time for other things, like yet another instrument. although i am still going to do my cello exam and practice religiously. and just today i got hte 5th harry potter book, and am able to blind myself now from the outside world.
My room seems to have become my haven, i cleaned it the other day(same day i got my bass, connection? maybe.) i can sit up there, and play my bass, or my cello, or i can read for hours, and then when evening comes i can turn off my music, grab my bag, slip down to the basement and see what fun i shall be up to that evening depending on who is on this handy computer. all seems well now. if you read the last couple entries you would have realised what a shitty time i was having, although i didn't reveal many details, but i felt that way because of many things and now they are all gone, all of them. and i am happy.
Today i also went up to my attic. it had come to my father's attention that we have a slight wasp infestation. not just those yellow and black normal ones, but those massive inch long black ones with several sections to them. this came to his attention after i got stung, and then we found one in our dining room, one in our sunporch, and one in my room, or was that 2? andways, we traced the problem to our attic where we found a large hive, my dad asked me if i wanted to see it(also i think he felt bad because i called him a sexist old prune, which i need to apologise for). it was large and open and warm. the ground was covered in some cotton fluffs stuff. and there were no extra children. or squirrels and raccoons for htat matter. which leaves me to now believe that there are extremely large wasps having fight clubs in there every night, competing for supreme power. i hope they dont sting me. but i will be off now, i have magical world to immerse myself in. goodnight :D

Tuesday July 15 2:10 AM.
Ahhh goodmorning there. Currently i am on the ground floor, i need to pee realllly bad, and there is a big nasty bug on the screen. hurray. today(i mean monday) i got up around 11, took a shower, went back to my room for clothes and fell asleep until 1:30, then went rollerblading w/ elfman. then my muffer got home(aaaaaaaa bug attack). she drove me and jimmey and his gf down to tat-a-rama. we made an appointment then left.we went to lobablaws, and we each took a basket. i got bendy straws and chocolate milk. me jimmy and hil found a best before dater and stamped each other, heheh i look like i was attacked. then later when i was watching tv, hil suddenly attacked me, apparently she doesn't like it when u wedgie her hahahaha sucks to be her. i'm a little crazy but i'm also almost done harry potter yessss.

Wednesday July 16 2003 2:10 AM
this is odd, i started writing last night at the exact same time, wieeeerd no? well today i got my ear pierced again, i went to tat a rama. it's slightly slower getting it done with the hollow needle which leaves more time to be in pain as well. but i'm brave and i got thru it no problem. also, my air conditioner sounds alot like it is raining, i thought it was and i ran outside only to find myself and idiot, more than before, yesss. james is downstairs talking to hilary, again. maybe i shud do something to him while he sleeps, i feel rebellious, or maybe just evil. now i'm cracking my toes, it's really loud tho so i hope it doesn't wake my rents. now my tummy is rumbling. maybe i'll draw on james's face tonight, or this morning same thing. hmm dissapointment is a funny thing,it really only happens when you believe something will happen when it wont, odd isn't it? now me and james are eating cheese curds, what an exciting day wasn'tit? lol *CURDFEST '03* coming soon

Sunday july somenumber, 2003
life seems to have slapped me in the face again. odd day. i went to buy hair die and got yelled at by some guy for like half an hour and i'm far to pissed to explain. and then i went to see pirates of the caribbian, yarr, and the guy i like happened to sit a couple rows down right in front of me. i was kinda shocked by the coincidence. but oh well to tell you the truth i don't know if he even knows my name, but oh well, life is life and i'm not gonna get irrational i hope. i sometimes do that. yarr matey.

july 24 3:51 AM
just signed up for ddrfreaks.com, interesting, also i am learning breakdancing excellently, i am about to sleep, but i did do something tonight even if it wasn't spend a long time writing, it was this drawing. there is a full sized one in specticals.

Sept 27 8:18 PM
WOW it's been a long time, actually just 2 months, but still, where did the summer go?! oh man. well i'm grade eleven now, yeeehaw. it's really not that exciting, just more work, alot more. but oh well, i'm taking the 3 sciences and math and then some fun art and moosic. what's scarey is that i like the subject i thought i'd hate(physics) and am not liking the accessive amount of work in bio which i wanted to go into. oh well, the point was that it's scarey because i don't wanna become a physisist, because that's what both my rents are, eeee. So my brother james moved out this year, he's in res at UofT, but then my other older brother moved back in, GAH. mike is now living here and eating all my favourite food and talking really loud and about politics, he's destroying my equilibrium.GAH. although he's letting me dye his hair blue tonight, YAAA. speaking of hair; i will be getting dreadlocks in 2 weeks, i am very very excited about that. i'm sitting here listening to sesame street theme song and the left side of my headphones is breaking, it makes weird buzzing noises, and it stops when i smack it, but the problem is that it is on my head so that i am also hitting my self. my dad told me we were having catfish for dinner and i thought he was joking and then he got offended, i will be eating catfish or nothing tonight. my sister moved to calgary last monday, it is sad, now i am stuck here in my house with 2 physisists and 1 math-maniac, and it'll be long time b4 i see her again, bummer.
everything is starting again, and now i do crosscountry too, maybe not a smart thing to be doing as well, but anyways, this is my schedule(minus HW, if u are impatient then i advise you not to read the following): i go to crosscountry practice after school on mondays and tues until around 4:30-5 ish, then tuesday i go to paddle right after running, since paddle starts at 4:30, then on wednesdays i have senior strings until 5, then sometime orchestra will start and that goes until 6, then i have badminton 6:30 to 10 yay. then thurdays i get to go to cello at 4:15, then theory for an hour, then i am trying to join breakdancing lessons which are at 6:30 i think, then friday i have badminton again, unless of course there is something that takes priority. and now i have the weekends free since i dropped kendo, kinda sad tho. OK.
so next week i'm doing the run for the cure yaaay, it's gonna be fun. oh and good news is i will be 16 very very soon yessss, infact in a week and um, 2 days. i must beware the birthday beats, hide! hmm now what to discuss, umm, well lets see *thinks hard* >:| ah um well in terms of the opposite sex i am not sure, i'm far to lazy to tell the various stories that have occurred in the last 2 months, but right now i kinda have my sights set on somebody from long(not thaaat long) ago. odd, oh well, i'm so busy that things don't bother me right now anyways, infact i'm very amazed that i had the time to write all this, oh now i remember, i'm waiting for catfish. oh and rice. and salad. i'm hunnnggrrryyyy. oh well, i'll b sure to write again as soon as i get my dreads, or maybe even b4 then! cuz it's getting cold and i can't go out and play. it's fall, i really love fall, but i really hate winter, but i guess you can't win. anyways byebye for now.

november 6 2003 yo.
hellooo everyone or more like anyone bothering to read this(yes you). fun times! 40something days until christmas holidays, i put a countdown in my planner. my muffer has gone off to ottawa on her little business trip of death. she wont be back for SIX WEEKS! now if my vatti also wasn't here, this is where i wud say "MASSIVE HOUSE PARTY" but he is. actually i wudn't really want that cuz everyone's house always gets trashed when there is massive partying. but moderate partying is ok. ya! anyways i may seem like a weirdo but i must tell you now, that there is only one person for me, i think about them all the time(except last night when i had a nightmare, i'll tell u later). i need a nickname for him, cuz i wudn't want u all stalking him, all you people who bother reading this, somehow i think very few ppl read this, and nobody that wud stalk. anyways nono. i seem to be comfusing myself, already, normally i get further than this b4 realising i'm talking nonsense. nono is mine, i'm watching all of you(especially nono;P). anyways that nightmare, well now, maybe i shud tell u about the first one, that happened over a week ago, but was uber shocking mon amis. well i was camping with my family, which isn't too unusual, except it was a little odd cuz it was a dream, and my brother's friends were camping with us, don't know why. anyways, my brother was standing there and suddenly he dropped down on the ground. he was dead(this being the younger of my older brothers). i got all upset and my mom told me "oh i knew this wud happen, the doctor told me he only had about 10 days left". at this i got very upset and my sister tried to comfort me by telling me he might just be sleeping, so we went over to try to wake him up, but he had already mostly decomposed so there were only clothes, bones and his face left, then his head rolled off(we were camping on a hill) and rolled away. thats basically all i remember.
The dream i had last night was scarier. well i was sleeping in a hotel room with some imaginary family(i think they were my family in the dream) and it was a really tiny room and there was not much space to move around. and we were sleeping on the floor and one girl was on the bed. and in the middle of the night this woman came in and she had one of those meat cleavers that are kinda triangular shaped. and she started slashing the girl on the bed. it was incredibly frightening. the parents finally restrained the woman. then it kindof turned into some capital punishment thing, where they wanted to torture the woman, i don't remember what they were doing but i wanted them to stop even tho what she had done was horrible.(i hate gettin serious yo so this is where it ends) at this point i wake up like the scared little insaneo i am, turn on the light and wait until it gets light out b4 i ca fall asleep again. GO ME. i remind me of the lion in the wizard of OZ. i need mr OZ to give me my courage. or nono either one will do the trick. anyways dinner calls. i must be off. byebye poopers.

Dec 24 2003 2:21 AM
WOW it's christmas eve day. i bought all my presents today, and spent way too much money, there goes my vespa fund. oh well. it's odd how many times i get my hopes up, " i'm so happy this time, blah blah blah". and in the end it turns out that all along i've been missing the truth. not that anyone other than you, whoever you are, the only person who reads this, will see this. you will think i am crazy, but look at it this way, if u put basically every thought that came to mind at this hour in here, then you would sound crazier than me my friend. i am holding back tonight though, i will return very soon to give a full synopsis of what has happened, i think. bye

JAN 6th 1:22 AM
hm, hello again. school has started today hurrah. not. first period i get handed to me the biggest assignment i'm gonna get all year in chem, yay. but oh well. anyways, things are starting up again and the busy bustle of life already begins to overwhelm me. but i can do it i kinda enjoy most of it. or so i say until i'm doing it. last night i had the strangest dream where everything was exactly as it seemed. anyways, all the siblings have left gone back to university life, so it's me and mike. actually me and mike and my mother went shopping onnn the 4th and bought him some pants. he likes to call me his fashion consultant, only because i let him pick what he wants and tell my mother that he is 21 and to let him pick. which succeeded on this trip, and he got some awesome pants that even i wud wear, but they wudn't fit me, i cud like strap them around my chest like a jumper he's that tall. we also bought him some some shoes. which i can't help him on, i wear skate shoes, he wears what's comfy. but the guy in the store talked to us for an hour not kidding at all. about foot types and appropriate shoes, and he tried to make me try on some baby blue runners, i got kinda offended, why yes, i'm a girl, please put me in pretty pink shoes with flowers and bows. and he called my mother old. damn him. kinda.
hmmm calm now. i played my cello for the first time in 2 weeks today, and oh geeze and i rusty. but i can pick it up by thurs i hope. i find the world so interesting sometimes. the way we interact with each other, the way we catagorize ppl. that is the worst thing i think. the way we are eager to judge ppl on the first thing we see about them, that they cannot change easily. this person might look really dirty or have dreads or something and u will automatically put them inthe catagory "hippie"and u will think of them under those terms unless u actually get to know them and realise wow, this person is just layed back, they share some of my opinions and not others, i can have a real conversation about something interesting with this person. unlike some ppl who are just shells with makup and clothes they find on a rack and put on. you see? i am amazed sometimes at how interesting ppl can be ifu only just talk to them. ask them about themselves, instead of "what;s up?" or "any homework dude?". anyways, plz just try it. i mean it'll b funny anyway if it doesn't work. plus maybe somebody will ask about you someday and return the favour and decide not to judge you. who do u think they wud think YOU are if they didn't know you? what catagory are you in? i can only hope none. thankyou. and goodevening. love louise

March 1st 2004 11:08 PM
it's early tonight, well, earlier than i normally do blog at. actually i feel i have wasted my entire evening being upset. i hate that feeling. i feel that my life doesn't have any direction and my parents require that i know what it is. i stood there and had no idea, i just got upset that they are trying to turn my life the driection they want. According to mother, well, this is what i got out of it, i shud be taking extra courses in which ican get a good mark, rahter than be interested, so that i can get into university. and i need to know what i want after that or why wud they be wasting their money on me. who says i want to go there anyways. thoughts are too uncelar to think about it now, maybe later this evening if i'm awake

March 3rd 2004, 11:40 PM ~gradually reintroducing nocturnalism
sometimes i cant escape from my room so excuse me

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a white sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know

That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

---- think about it
apparently being upset makes u tired, well, clearly, since the last entry ended so abruptly. but i have been thinking and there are definately more options than i had considered, or than my parents had approved. there is the option of taking the 5th year of high school, even though i haven't failed any courses, if i take everything i am going to, i will die due to stress, and i'd kinda like to stay alive right now. so that is an option, another, is jsut drop some, never thought of that did i? smart one i am, but also i cud get one of the credits at summerschool, or night school, or even virtual school, seeing as i seem to spend such a large portion of my time on the computer anyways.
sometimes it's weird to think what if i was a different person, if i saw the world thru somebody else, what if i saw something that you loved, and knew what it was like to touch it or taste it or feel, but could never be with it, you would never be the same way u were b4, but you knew. maybe u wud feel like you were dreaming, u wud try to wake up, but never could, never could return, maybe it never even happend. i think i've had dreams like that, or else it's just a fear in the back of my head. no, i've definately drempt i've had something amazing, then woken up, and felt such a sad loss, like no other, like i wish i cud go back to sleep forever jsut to have the feeling back. i remember now, i could fly. i wud run and then jump and just keep going, it was amazing. i wonder where i ever figured out what that felt like anyways, how would my mind know what to make flying feel like? but the point was, as i drifted closer to conciousness, i found i had to try harder and harder, then i just cudn't, i wud run, and it felt just like normal and wud end in dissapointment, even though i longed for what i had b4. that is what i am afraid of. i've started writing down my dreams, as soon as i wake up, but i've only been doing this since monday, and one day i cudn't remember, it is interesting though. and they often don't make sense, even less so when put into my words at 8 am. but this thing with my future has sitll kinda got me down, it makes me tired, and makes me not really want to do anything, there are few perks when u feel like this, few, but some. don't worry. anyways i'm going to sleep. goodnight. maybe i will put up tonight's dream tomorrow, it's bound to be interesting with all the thinging i've done recently.